I look in the mirror at me,
and think what do you see?
I’m not sure who is there?
Who I was has disappeared.
I see a shell of someone who looks the same,
and there’s nothing except bad men to blame.
I can remember some good things,
but every bad one seems to be lingering.
When I was 2 I remember my uncle saying touch me,
and don’t be scared it’s just a little friendly worm hanging there.
When I was 7 or 8
I remember a beating from my aunt’s fiancé.
I was laughing too much
so I got some bruised hand prints to my butt.
When I was 11 I remember a hug that was different from Grandpa
It felt weird, but it was a hug and that’s all.
After that I didn’t want to hug him anymore,
but I held it in smiled…Then gave a hug and went out the door.
When I was 13
my 2nd cousin started flirting.
He played with my mind
at first he made me feel like a special find.
Like I was his treasure
just to know me was a pleasure.
He knew things were bad at home
so he played games, and wouldn’t leave me alone.
I finally gave in…
For awhile I let him win.
Why not I was in the way stupid and dumb
when he was around I was special, pretty and fun.
As I got older in a year I learned a lot,
but still a lot of lies I bought.
He hurt me over and over,
but I had to hold it in…So heavier got my shoulders.
Finally at 15 I met my husband to be
I knew it was real love…Always holding me safely.
He listened and was there when he could be
so different he didn’t want anything.
I kept telling my 2nd cousin to leave me alone
so angry he got, and there was a different tone.
He left me alone for a little while,
but not for long it wasn’t his style.
Now I was in a home where I was double dumb
no relief anywhere…So I started to run.

Then one night he forced me
I kept saying no, but he wasn’t listening.
He was drunk and kept saying just one more time
I was crying, and thought this isn’t happening in my mind.
I held it as a secret for half a year
then my fiancé and I together shared tears.
Overwhelmed he was angry and felt betrayed
so distant he became, and in my bed I laid.
He couldn’t believe that I would hide it if it was true
so angrier he became with passing years, but still only we knew.
We had our first child when I was barely 15
I could handle it, and my parents seemed to be calming.
Yet soon they’d be again arguing over me
every argument was evolving more…This I could see.
So I kept fighting to be on my own
I wanted to be a happy family…Something I felt I’d never known.
So finally at 16
We were a family.
Little did I know that the problems would follow me
for the rest of my life I would be paying.
So many years of pain since then have past
at 27 a healing starts at last.
We all start healing on what seems a clean start
the family hears my story, and it seems heavy on there heart.
I don’t blame anyone in my family…I just want to move on
3 children we have now, but need to learn to have fun.
The abuse chain is now broken
haunting memories relieved as my story is spoken.
I’ll continue to write what is bothering me
in hopes that it will let me go free.
So if I’ve been through this and I survived
I know God is watching, and I’m thankful I’m alive.